I attended a seminar, titled, "Habits of People Who Know How to Get Their Partners to Treat Them Well: Dealing with Differences", conducted by marriage relationships and emotional intelligence psychologist Dr. Brent Atkinson. He presented six habits that are characteristic of people who are skilled at eliciting respect, caring and cooperation from their partners.

Dr. Atkinson says that studies suggest that the ability to react effectively when feeling upset is not optional - it is a must for anyone who hopes to have a satisfying intimate relationship.

The following are habits couples use when they are having potentially heated arguments and serious differences in points of views.

Habit #1: Avoiding a judgmental attitude

For almost two decades I have been sharing with couples in therapy that having a non-judgment attitude is one of the key ingredients for having a healthy relationship. I have observed that when a partner has false assumptions about his or her partner, it results in serious discord. Dr. Atkinson states, "A hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that their partners have done anything wrong. It's normal to be upset when you're at cross-purposes. Nobody has to be right or wrong. Studies suggest that concluding that one's partner is wrong when he's really not is a mistake you do not want to make. It's one of the most damaging things that people do in relationships."

Habit #2: Finding the understandable part

This habit will work miracles in a relationship. Here's what Dr. Atkinson says: "When disagreements arise, most of us tend to think of our own position as reasonable and the other person's as unreasonable. However, at some point in the argument, those who know how to get their partners to treat them well, manage to find something understandable about what their partners are saying or wanting, even if they can't agree overall. They seem to understand an important principle - if you want to receive understanding, first give understanding. If you fail to acknowledge anything about your partner's viewpoint as reasonable, it will be very difficult for him to truly care about your viewpoint, regardless of how legitimate it is.

Habit #3: Identify the underlying needs, values, and worries

Many times, people find that when they're motivated to keep open minds and they try to understand the logic behind their partners' viewpoints or actions, they no longer have problems with what their partners want. However, there are other times when they still find that they see things differently than their partners, or that they have different priorities or expectations. In these situations, skillful people try to dig beneath the surface and explain to their partners the important things that drive their priorities, preferences, or expectations. Arguments often fail because partners argue about the wrong things. People who are destined to succeed in their relationships realize that the reasons they are upset or have trouble doing what their partner wants sometimes run deeper than the present situation. Often, there is something bigger at stake. Your ability to explain the underlying reasons for being upset will help your partner become more cooperative and understanding.

Habit #4: Giving and asking for equal regard

Note carefully the "regard" is more than the superficial understanding of the word "respect." It is deep concern, care, and sympathy. This is what Dr. Atkinson says: "The most successful intimate partnerships operate like democracies - one person, one vote. In a democratic society, when people go to cast their votes, there is no obligation to prove that their reasoning is good enough for their votes to count. Their opinions count as much as anyone else's, regardless of what anyone thinks of their reasoning. The same is true in successful intimate relationships. Successful partners are willing to give and take, regardless of whether they agree with each other or not. The willingness to give equal regard doesn't necessarily come at the front end of an argument. In fact, sometimes when researchers looked at the arguing style of partners destined to succeed, they couldn't distinguish them from partners destined to fail. The differences only became clear later, after each partner had exhausted his or her efforts to convince the other. Both successful and unsuccessful partners often argued vigorously for their own points of view, and showed little regard for their partners' viewpoints during the argument. However, in the end, successful partners were willing to count their companions' opinions and preferences as much as their own.

Habit #5: Offering assurance

Dr. Atkinson skillfully addresses this habit. "One thing is clear from research on intimate relationships: Arguments don't have to be pretty in order to be productive. In fact, they can be downright ugly without causing lasting negative consequences. Researchers have found that there is a wide variety of methods that people can use to repair the damage of previous arguments, yet it is difficult to find any single method that works all the time. A self-depreciating comment might work well on one occasion, but the same sort of comment in another situation might make things worse. Even apologies are surprisingly unreliable in their reparative effect. That said, over the years one method has emerged as more reliable than others in successfully repairing damage done during previous arguments: the offering of specific forms of assurance. After a failed argument, people who possess this skill begin by asking themselves, 'Did my partner think I was saying that he was wrong, or out of line in some way?' or 'Did my partner think I was saying that my opinion or preferences should count more than his?' When arguments have gone poorly, the answer to these questions is almost always "yes." The most powerful thing that can be done at this point is to simply offer one or two kinds of assurance."

Habit #6 - Standing up for yourself without making a big deal about the fact that you had to

This habit is really a great one. Many of us could never fully articulate this in clear words, but when reading what Dr. Atkinson says there is a 'Ah that's it!' response. "The five habits discussed thus far are all important predictors of relationship success, but unless a person also has the sixth habit, it's unlikely that he or she will be able to continue implementing the first five over time. On any given day it's possible that, in spite of one's efforts to have a good attitude and willingness to work cooperatively, one's partner may not return the same kind of generosity and cooperativeness. Studies suggest that this happens in most relationships at times, and the ability to react effectively when it happens is not optional. It's one of the core requirements for having a successful relationship. People who are effective at these moments require that their partners make some adjustments in their attitudes and actions, but they do it in a way that makes it easy for their partners to make the adjustments. They know how to stand up for themselves without putting their partners down." Dr. Atkinson says, "Standing up for yourself involves asking (and requiring, if necessary) that your partner give your priorities, viewpoints or preferences equal regard." He says the first situation that requires standing up for oneself skillfully happens if one's partner criticizes harshly.

Dear reader, explaining how all this works requires an intense, long seminar. I just wanted to whet your appetite and help you to know that there are habits used by successful couples. Also, successful couples are not pain-free but are certainly skilled in preventing the pain from continuing.

 • Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your questions or comments to question@soencouragment.org, telephone 327-1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org. 

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