I am proud and honored to introduce to you the four women in my life. They are special and important in making me feel like a real man. Yes, I do have four of them - my sweetheart, lover, girlfriend and wife. The most exciting thing about these four women is that they all have the same name - Annick. They are not four different individuals, but one individual joining me in the four aspects of a loving relationship.

In every marriage, each partner should be the wife/husband, lover, sweetheart, and friend to their mate. Let me explain, and I invite you to rate each component in your marriage.

Friend

The girl/boyfriend term describes the friendship aspect of a healthy marital relationship. Your spouse should be your best friend. A friend is someone with whom you enjoy doing simple and everyday things. You enjoy being in each other's presence and feel comfortable sharing ideas and thoughts together. Is your partner your number one friend? Whenever other friends take the place of the spouse's friendship, the marriage is on shaky ground. On a scale of one to 10, how do you rate the friendship in your relationship (one is very poor and 10 is excellent).

Lover

The lover aspect describes the intimacy of the marriage. Intimate partners have a deep emotional, spiritual, social, and sexual connection. Intimacy is the sharing of parts of your life that you should only share with your spouse whether it is intellectual, spiritual, emotional or sexual. Intimacy involves sharing your joys and your pains, your wants and your likes, your agreements and disagreements. On a scale of one to 10, how do you rate the intimacy in your relationship (one is very poor and 10 is excellent).

Sweetheart

The sweetheart aspect of marriage is the romance in the relationship. This involves the tender things spouses do to and with each other every day to show how much they love each other. Spouses need to work hard at keeping the romance spicy in the relationship because it is the one aspect of marriage that easily fades away and easily destroys it. On a scale of one to 10, how do you rate the romance in your relationship (one is very poor and 10 is excellent).

Wife/husband

The term wife or husband describes the long-term companionship of the relationship. This may seem to be an obvious term, but in practice it isn't so. Unfortunately, not all wives/husbands are true companions. This is also the contractual, legal, and commitment aspects in the marriage. Companionship involves total commitment to the marriage. It also involves being physically present in the marriage. Too many spouses are living permanently in different islands or countries and yet say that they are committed partners. They may be married but they are certainly not companions. Companionship is the being there in a relationship. On a scale of one to 10, how do you rate the companionship in your relationship (one is very poor and 10 is excellent).

Measuring up

Do you have four men/women in your life? If you are only a husband or wife and not a friend, lover and sweetheart, your marriage is in trouble. You cannot become a lover, sweetheart and friend by simply talking about it. You have to do something about it. Maybe you need to simply change your attitude first. Then you need to start treating your spouse as nicely as you treat your own body. What a difference that will make.

I have four women in my life - wife, lover, sweetheart, and girlfriend. The other women in my life – my daughter, mother, and sisters - are my "extramarital affairs". They remind me of the importance of family and friends.

• Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your questions or comments to question@soencouragment.org, telephone 327-1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org. 

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