Just this weekend, I spoke at a church in The Bahamas on the topic, "Mental Health and Spiritual Wellness". I did my best to show how mental health impacts spiritual wellness and spiritual wellness impacts mental health and resilience.
The difference between spirituality and being religious?
Psychologist Dr. Dan Brennan states, "Contrary to what many people might think, spirituality and religion are not the same. But they are linked. You can be spiritual without belonging to a specific religion. Religious people follow a particular faith and may be connected with specific groups or traditions." So, isn't this saying that being religious does not in itself make one spiritual? Spirituality can help you deal with stress by giving you a sense of peace, purpose, and forgiveness. It often becomes more important in times of emotional stress or illness.
A point I stressed is that when one is religious (following a set of rules and practices) without being spiritual (the capacity to deepen connections with other people; experiencing compassion and empathy for others), there is a greater chance of becoming a religious fanatic or not being able to bounce back during tough times because one must follow strict rules. The results are depression, confusion, disillusionment, etc.
I am going to share with you three scenarios to help you understand how we can cause emotionally and spiritually well persons to lose hope and become physically or emotionally ill and stifle resilience:
• Your 32-year-old daughter is living with you at home. She has completed college. She has a good job, car, bank account, and is a part of community services and Rotary Club. She is an active Christian and enjoys singing in the choir.
The problem: The parents constantly ask her, "Where have you been? Why did you come home late? Why did I not see you in church yesterday? Who was that man you were with? These kinds of questions make her feel like she is not being respected as an adult. She soon begins to doubt herself and her faith. Then, she becomes depressed until she is able to break free from the cause of this pain – her parents.
• You believe your 14-year-old son who sings in the church choir and loves to pray has homosexual tendencies. You ask him about it and he confesses. Then, the torment begins. You feel it is your spiritual duty to keep him on the "straight and narrow", so you start with a barrage of threats. "You are going to hell. It is an abomination. When you become 18 years old, you are out of this house, and I do not want to see you again." These statements can lead him to become depressed, have suicidal thoughts, and withdraw from the world.
• Your 18-year-old daughter, in the final grade of high school, has a boyfriend. You told her from a small child that school and romance do not go together. You stressed to her that she is to have no romantic relationships. Now, you find out that she likes a 21-year-old young man. You also find out that he is a Rasta and smokes marijuana. Then, the threats, put-downs, and shaming begin. The daughter starts sneaking out at night. The mother taunts, "If you bring that dirty, stupid boy home to this house, you will regret it." This beautiful daughter, who sings in the choir, and enjoys listening to her pastor preach, now is not enthusiastic about going to church. The taunts and shame continue. Eventually, she becomes depressed. Her self-esteem lowers and she thinks about suicide.
In all three of these cases, the persons are connected to Jesus and are happy church goers (initially). Their feelings for the church and spiritualty begin to change because of how they are being treated. They lose hope and inspiration. The treatment impacts their cognitive ability. They become depressed. Their eating habits are changed. Their interest in church activities is diminished. In other words, their mental and spiritual health starts to weaken. Thus, their physical health is impacted.
These are just some of the stupid things that parents do to drive their children crazy. In all three of these cases, the parents are more concerned about their status and reputation in the church and community than the well-being of the child. Here are better approaches the parents can take. These approaches are non-judgmental.
"Dear child (son or daughter), I have a few concerns about the choices you are making. I want to keep the door of communication open between us. I want you to know that I do love you and want the best for you. I notice you are staying up late at night on the phone talking to a man/woman. That concerns me and I notice it is impacting your grades. I would like to meet him/her. Invite him/her to our home next Saturday night with three other teens, so I can meet him/her."
Or to the son, "I've noticed that your behavior is changing to become more like a girl. How long have you been feeling this way? What do you want me to understand about your feelings? I want you to feel comfortable to talk with me at any time."
Did you notice the connection between mental health, spiritual wellness, and resilience? Resilience can be stifled simply by the way parents speak to their children.
I hope my sharing today from a different perspective on mental health and resilience was helpful.
• Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your questions or comments to question@soencouragment.org, telephone 327-1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org.
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