Parents, when you ask your five-year-old child to turn off the television, what kind of response do you want from your child? Do you want your child to comply or conform? Perhaps a more profound question is this -- do you want your child to understand? What in the world am I talking about? Well, be patient, relax, find a cool spot in the house and read this entire article. It might just change your life and your parenting style for the better.
It should be obvious, I am writing about obedience, which is perhaps one of the most misunderstood parenting topics on the globe, especially in the Western hemisphere. As you read further, you will discover some insights on what obedience is all about and where parents make their big mistakes. I've been writing and conducting seminars on this topic for at least 30 years, therefore I will give some concepts I've shared with parents.
Is obedience mandatory? The answer is unequivocally, yes. However, before you hasten to clap your hands, it is my opinion that the kind of obedience that is mandatory is not the kind many of us are thinking about. If mandatory means that parents must teach their children to obey and pastors will teach their congregants how to obey God, then that mandatory obedience is good. Note that the key word in those sentences is "teach." On the other hand, if mandatory obedience is force or coercion, then it is not good. It is my opinion that if children, employees, or parishioners are simply told to or required to obey to live up to what someone else considers is right, then eventually these persons will feel trapped in a vicious cycle of pleasing parents, leaders, feelings of despair, confusion and guilt. The end result will be unhappy children, congregants, employees and citizens.
The kind of obedience I am proposing in this article, that always reaps positive results, is Godly obedience or transformational obedience. Transformational obedience implies that there is something more to obedience than the giving of instruction or informing others what to do. It suggests that Godly or transformational obedience is freedom and not restriction.
There are three kinds of obedience -- compliance or raw obedience, conformity and transformation.
Compliance: This is doing something simply because someone asks you to do it. You may not understand or agree, but you do it because you were requested to. This is the kind of obedience that leads to frustration, discontentment, heated family arguments, rebellion, and too often abuse. It is true that a very young child must comply because mommy says so.
Conformity: This is pressure to go along, or to conform to group expectation. There is no pressure in the form of verbal demands from people around you. Conformity is pressure from within to change to be accepted by others, or do things that you would not normally do.
Transformation: Transformational obedience is best understood by the meaning of the Greek word used for "transform" or "metamorphosis". Metamorphosis is the description of the process of a caterpillar changing to a butterfly. For this drastic change to occur, there has to be an internal transformation. Organs, systems and structures gradually transform from within until there is a beautiful butterfly, a completely different creature. Similarly, transformational obedience is the process that facilitates change from within. If one is forced to comply, internal change is most difficult.
Transformational obedience: Understandable or reasonable. When a parent, teacher, employee, or pastor gives instructions or teachings, these should be easy to understand and reasonable. Sometimes parents make demands that are unreasonable and very difficult to understand. Then they get upset when the child asks questions. For transformational obedience to take place the recipient of the information must be able to ask questions and have them clarified by the one making the requests. What about little children? Should they be allowed to ask questions? Remember, you want to help your children become self-governed and independent thinkers. Just making demands and expecting a blind response does not create an independent thinker.
Transformational obedience is empowering: Transformational obedience is not only understandable, but the teacher/parent empowers the student/child to obey by listening, respecting and believing in the person. Note that obedience itself does not empower, but the empowerment comes from an outside source. For the little child it comes from the parent or guardian. For the employee it comes from the employer. For the student it comes from the teacher.
Transformational obedience is transforming. As a result of the reasoning and empowering, transformation is inevitable. Change will take place. This is the bi-product of effective teaching, grace-centered parenting and leadership. The results are amazing when those in authority (parents to community leaders) understand these principles. The change is from indolence to productivity, rebellion to discipleship, violence to non-violence.
In the Bible there is no separate word meaning obey. Obey is translated in the Hebrew "to hear" more than 785 times. The word hear suggests that there is something more to obedience than the giving of instruction or the commanding of people. It suggests a reasoning process that leads to understanding, acceptance and application.
So when you ask your five-year-old child to turn off the television, what kind of response do you want from your child? Do you want your child to comply, conform or transform?
o Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.
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