What kind of man do we really want in our society? I asked this question 15 years ago and feel compelled to ask again; although more Bahamian men are freeing themselves from the clutches of traditionalism, yet too many are refusing to change. Similarly, society seems to glorify the adulterous, drug pusher, womanizer, aggressive male. Several years ago I suggested that this is the kind of man we really do not want in our society:
o A man who keeps his zipper up when ordinary men would pull theirs down;
o A man who keeps his brain clean of mind-altering drugs;
o A man who can wait until he says I do while others say what the heck, let's show it all now -- now is the hour;
o A man who does not cheat on his wife;
o A man who is not afraid to cry;
o A man who can say I am sorry to the child he hurts;
o A man who does not allow tradition, society, or friends to determine his way of life, or the way he treats women, children, or his male friends;
o A man who is not afraid of being called a wimp or sissy, even when his friends may laugh at him;
o A man who values himself more than how others may commonly think of him;
o A man who is open and honest at all times, a man of personal integrity;
o A man who values and respects womanhood.
In a previous article I called this man the virtuous man. Philosophically, we want this kind of man. On the other hand, our traditions and language say no. How do I know that we do not want the virtuous Bahamian man? Here are a few reasons worth repeating:
Men who go against the grain and do not fit in to what is considered to be normal behavior by their peers are usually not promoted on the job. It does not matter if they are the most productive employees, or if they are always on time and respectful to their superiors. If they do not play the political games or join in the social rounds, they are out of the good old boys club and their life is forever limited. (So they think.)
Men who have lots of children for multiple partners are considered "real men." In fact we often find ways of excusing the inordinate sexual behavior of our Bahamian men. A woman who goes around and flirts with men will most likely be called a "bitch" or "whore", but a man who can sweet-talk a woman, have sex with whomever he chooses is "a cool brother".
If a single male executive gets a woman pregnant, we celebrate. We buy cigars and chocolates for the good old boys club. When a single female executive gets pregnant, we fire her or cry shame. Virtuous men get nobody pregnant so they cannot join in the celebration. Most times they would empathize with the hurting females.
Traditional fathers are free to spend all the time they want after work with the good old boys club. They drink beers and smoke cigars together. They play late night-dominoes. These so-called "faithful" fathers and husbands are free to flirt with other women. They feel that their wives have no right to ask where they've been or what they were doing when they come home after midnight each night. The "true dad" who goes straight home from work, plays with his children, talks with his wife, is considered to be a "misfit". In fact most men feel uncomfortable around him.
Certainly, these are only few of the many ways I can think of that indicate that the Bahamian society might not be ready for the golden era of virtuous Bahamian men. But we must get ready for this new bread of noble men because the future of our nation depends on them. Too long have we rewarded the morally starved, the mediocre, the power-crazed man, the pervert, and the unfaithful.
There are at least two outstanding ways of recognizing the virtuous Bahamian man from the traditional Bahamian man. The virtuous man is firstly spiritually astute. He is in a genuine search for his creator, Jesus, the one man who was sexually pure all his life, eternally prayerfully connected to his father, and deeply engrossed in the written word -- the Bible.
The traditional Bahamian man laughs at his fellow males who go up to the altar to surrender all to Jesus, and would not be found reading the Bible even if the lights are out. Check out our many churches today. Who are mostly filling the pews?
Secondly, the virtuous (Bahamian) man is developing himself educationally. He believes that reading builds a person, and education is the door to truth and life. He happily seeks ways to expand his knowledge through either formal post-high school education or on the job professional development. On the other hand, the traditional Bahamian man says that education is for "weak men" or "sissies".
Our nation is hurting for the need of men who can make a difference, men who are not afraid of being laughed at. On the other hand, the loud voice of traditionalism seems to be masking the pain of indifference. Since change is so painful, the chances that the numbers of virtuous (Bahamian) men will increase can only depend on the strength and the stick to it of the few who are noble and pure.
Do we really want the virtuous Bahamian man? Would we allow him to be himself? Would we allow him to live freely outside the box of rigid traditionalism? Are we willing to change our concept of what it is to be a man? What type of man will take us successfully into the new millennium? Is it the traditional (Bahamian) man or is it the virtuous (Bahamian) male? Think on these things.
o Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, U.S.A. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com; write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas; or visit www.soencouragement.org; or call 327-1980, or 477-4002.
Click here to read more at The Nassau Guardian
