Women do not limit yourselves

Thu, Sep 18th 2014, 10:30 AM

There are many wounded women in our country. They disguise their wounds with their behaviors -- the drinking of alcohol, use of illegal drugs or display of inappropriate behaviors. Many women have become sexual addicts or have allowed themselves to be exploited by men because they were emotionally wounded as children. Many women have same-sex relationships because they were repeatedly wounded by men.
Sometimes it is beyond reasoning why a single woman would have an affair with a married man. Some women seem to get a thrill by attaching themselves to politicians, spiritual leaders and men in other leadership positions. And how could a spiritual leader or politician, lower themselves to such behavior? Yes, he should know better, but this does not excuse the woman's behavior. Why do beautiful, educated, intelligent women allow themselves to be exploited over and over again by power-hungry men? Are these women actually hurting deep inside?

The reasons
More than a decade ago I answered this same question. I will share with you some of my responses I gleaned from the book "Sex in the Forbidden Zone" by psychiatrist Dr. Peter Rutter that put women at risk for sexual boundary violations. Note carefully how a person can become wounded emotionally and how that impacts his or her adult life.
Overt sexual psychological invasion in childhood: Many women are recovering from memories of childhood sexual molestation.
"Others are finding that the effects of continual psychological intrusiveness can also be devastating. The danger for these women lies in repeating their loss of control over physical and psychological boundaries." (Rutter, P. 85) This point then brings out the imperativeness of parents providing the proper wholesome environment for their children. It is clear also that exploitation of a child during childhood, whether it is psychologically or physically, covertly or overtly can put the child at risk to being unable to keep the boundaries clear during adulthood, thus, the vulnerability to sexual exploitation.
Profound childhood aloneness: This is a very serious point in The Bahamas. "Many women were not emotionally or physically exploited during childhood, yet they were left so alone during the childhood years that they become unselective about the quality of intimate attention they receive as adults." The danger for such women is that any attention at all becomes hard to refuse. This reinforces the importance for a caring, loving family life during the childhood years. Parents who refuse to provide the attention, time and loving affection for their children are putting their children at risk to being exploited during adult life.
Exploited compassion: According to Dr. Rutter these women were neither invaded nor left alone. "They were highly involved in the emotional life of their families, but were given the role of healer to the wounds of their parents and siblings." However, this made these women vulnerable to engaging in forbidden-zone sexual relationships as a way of taking care of the wound in the man.
Dr. Rutter in his book, "Sex in Forbidden Zone" also explains that "When children are treated as extensions of the needs of their emotionally-injured parents, they are so used to being exploited that it becomes a way of life. Because children are vulnerable and close to their own injuries, they can be highly attuned to their parents' emotional status. They have a natural capacity for developing compassion for their parents' injuries. Parents can exploit this by allowing their children to assume the role of healer. This may explain the reason so many women think of themselves or act as if they are "saviors" to men. They feel they have the power to prevent the men from messing up politically, socially or emotionally. They often feel they can change their men from a life of smoking, drugs and illiteracy to a "cleaner life." These very women are highly susceptible to engaging in forbidden-zone sex.
Devalued outer potential: This is a wound that is not only inflicted on women by family and friends, but by national culture and spiritual misguidance. It results from younger women being told that they belong in the home as the center of family life, and not out in the world.
"Such women become especially vulnerable to forbidden-zone relationships with male teachers [leaders, pastors politicians, etc.] and mentors who hold out the promise of helping them develop their intellectual, artistic and vocational talents and ask them to pay the price sexually."
This is not to suggest that women cannot or should not choose to stay at home as a full-time parents. However, it does suggest that if that choice is based on a thwarted belief system of who she is, her role as a woman, wife or mother, she is at risk for being sexually exploited by men. Each time will limit a woman to a set role that is usually a subservient role to men. We are exploiting and wounding her. Women, do not limit yourselves. I encourage women to crawl out of the dark hole of emotional exploitation and become self-actualized, independent-thinking, beautiful women. Seek the professional help to rebuild your life.

o Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, U.S.A. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com; or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas; or visit www.soencouragement.org; or call 242-327-1980, or 242-477-4002.

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