Some people have a love hate relationship with home.  I know I definitely have a love-hate relationship with these salty rocks.  For instance, I loved The Bahamas on Sunday, then I read the headlines on Monday morning and saw we had 100 murders and I hated The Bahamas.  At such times I usually head to Andros and get a sweet scorch conch and a fry snapper and I love The Bahamas yet again.
You know, speaking of murder records, I once lived in a city that did not record a single murder in almost 12 months, but I still missed home.  Das me. I am a Bahamian.  And there's so much to love in spite of all the stupidity around us.
One of the things I really miss when I live abroad is the pleasure of conversation.  Not that there aren't people to talk to in the places I've lived.  I'm talking about the pleasures of conversation Bahamian style.  Conversation isn't just a necessary form of human interaction or something you do just to feel connected.  No, in The Bahamas conversation is an art form, a sport, a performance.  When we talk we paint pictures, we add color and spice.  It's like taking up fencing, only you use words not a sword.
We are an interesting people with fun, vivid ways of expressing ourselves.  For instance, we regularly tie food references into our conversations.  Now, I know what quite a few of you might be thinking: obesity is a serious problem in The Bahamas, so maybe we talk about food so much because we're obsessed with eating.  How else do you explain remarks such as "soupy mout"?  However, even when we were a skinny people, we used food as a reference point in conversation.
Most communities in The Bahamas were subsistence communities, growing food to live more than to trade, and life was hard.  Money was scarce, so people eked out an existence on the sea and on the land.  Food was precious and earned through sweat.  Food is also an integral part of every Bahamian celebration, even a part of Bahamian mourning rituals.  After we jump in the grave with the coffin, we calm down and go have a massive plate a food.  Remember Eddie Minnis' song, "The Buffett"?  We "ack like we ain use".  And maybe we ack like we ain't use because we ain't ackin, we really ain't use.
So next time you are having some sausage and grits with a slice of bread, think on these things: my favorite Bahamian food-related sayings.
1. Peas. Oh the peasy head!  If you have to run a comb through it, then a brush, and then a comb, plus add some water, softener and leave-in conditioner, and finally add a skull cap or head scarf to keep it in place, then you qualify.  Your head peasy.  I love me some peas 'n' rice but I ain' ga lie, dem peas at da base a my head cause me cry plenty a school mornin.  Until I discovered Stay Soft Fro that is.  Now of course, I wish I had some peas to cover dis shiny "peanut head" a mine.
2. Conch.  "Mix up like conch salad."  This one is self explanatory.  A people who love conch as much as we do, were bound to find a way to work it into our daily conversation.  In moments of extreme fatigue you may also go "divin' fa conch," which pretty much means to fall asleep sitting upright, but that alone is not enough.  You have not taken a real conch dive unless your chin hits your chest and your head snaps back in momentary alertness.  That's when you play it cool, glance around and make sure no one saw that you almost gave yourself whiplash.
3. Lunch.  If "dog eat ya lunch" you are not just going to go out and buy some more lunch.  You have no more lunch.  It was your last lunch.  Repeat: no more lunch.  This expression is intended to let you, poor fool, know that not only is your situation sad, but it also without redemption.  Your sister ain't eat it, your brother ain't eat it, your fren ain't eat it, dog eat your lunch, man.  Talk about adding insult to injury.  You can't even yuk it back and finish off wa's left.
4. Sauchiss. "Sauchiss", is sausage for the uninitiated.  As in "slam bam" or sauchiss and bread, or grits and sauchiss.  Anyway, it also refers to a man's  . . e-hem . . . part.  As in the ringplay song, "Sauchiss in here and a loaf a bread right dere, take dat penny sauchiss and stick it right in dere". And of course, having obeyed the devil in the song, and placed the sauchiss in the bread, "juicin" takes place.  Let's quickly move on.
5. Stale.  When your crackers, cookies, or cereal get "stale," you throw them out.  But if you, as a human being are stale, or your joke is stale, then you are actually a boring, dull, less than imaginative individual.  You lack crunch.  Today the young folks say "dat don' come out".  Being called stale is like being called "dry bread," which means you lack a certain joie de vivre or panache.
6. Grits.  Here's a real vivid food expression: "gritsy teet'."  Now I love grits.  Just love it.  I do not like to associate the warm buttery goodness of some corn meal grits with the plaque and food remains left on the teeth of an unhygienic person.  Sadly, that is what it means to have gritsy teet'.  I ain't ga lie dough, is fun to say to somebody: "Come from roun' here wit ya gritsy teet."  And why do we say "come" when we really mean "go"?  Anyway, that's another story.
7. Mangra.  When you have just enough color to your skin, not too light and too dark, we call that mangra skin.  Yellow and sweet.  Usually, anyone who is mangra is also female.  I have yet to meet a mangra skin man.  They just call such fellas "Yellow".  As in, "Bey, Yellow, where you gern? Bring me back one soda when you come, dread."  Yellow man gone out a style when black men like Michael Jordan and Wesley Snipes hit the scene.  But dey on da way back, just aks all dese woman what goin 'Green'.  Black, yellow, green . . . Look I ain't no Rasta!
8. Bread and roaches.  When you have "Roach on ya bread," you need more than "flit," you need a lawyer.  This has of course been immortalized in a song by Avvy.  Someone is having an affair with your man or woman, and the result is that your goods are now tainted.  Anyone who has had to wage war with cockroaches should relate to how unpleasant and graphic an image this Bahamian expression is painting.  I especially can't stand flying roaches.  Mother Nature just ain't fair sometimes.  And speaking of "bread," do I need to explain that bread also refers to . . . no, I don't need to explain.  Just read number 4 again and you'll figure it out.
9. Pot.  No, not marijuana.  Have you ever heard some variation of the expression, "Watch pot never boil"?  Love this proverb.  It's so true.  It means literally, if you stand there staring at the food it will feel like it's taking forever.  But the principle can of course be applied more broadly.  Fixating and consuming yourself with anticipation for something to happen only makes life harder.  Walk away, let it be and put your mind on something else.  Then time will pass more easily if not more quickly.
10. Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.  OK, what dis have to do wit food, right?  Well, we Bahamians love to describe people according to the foods they remind us of.  It's hardly ever flattering either.  So and so "gat a meaty head," dis one have a "mealy mout," so and so "need to come from roun me wit dey sauchiss lip" or "dey conch bubby lip".  Wait, there's more. You might hear someone say to you, "Hey coconut head" or "Bey, you gat a biiig yoke, nah".  Worse yet, you might hear someone say "Jermaine likin one fish mout gal" or Tario look jus like "goggle eye".  Sometimes we ain't nice, not at all.
Well those are my favorites.  I'm sure I've left out some good ones. Oh, I remember another one about food.  I'll leave you with it.  "Hongry make dog eat raw corn."  I wish I was there to see that one. Tings mussy was really "pussin".

IAN STRACHAN is Associate Professor of English at The College of The Bahamas. You can write him at strachantalk@gmail.com or visit www.ianstrachan.wordpress.com

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