It is so important to understand what intimacy is all about. Last week I shared on spiritual intimacy. This week I am reminding the readers about intellectual and emotional intimacy.Note that showing intimacy in public is an important function in healthy relationships. This includes hand holding, light kissing, embracing and hugging. Couples who refuse to show public displays of affection might be demonstrating a weakness in their relationship.
Intimacy in marriage is often misunderstood and most times limited to what couples do in the privacy of their bedrooms. Intimacy is both intensely private and public. If intimacy in your marriage is limited to the four walls of your bedroom, then as a couple you are not totally intimate. I have observed that many Bahamians are not totally intimate. They might be sexually active, but an intense level of intimacy is seriously lacking.
Definition
Intimacy is closeness in a relationship gained by revealing one's true self to another. It is sharing completely the intellectual, spiritual, emotional, or sexual facets of your life that you should share only with your spouse. Couples are not only married in the privacy of their homes. Their marriage extends far beyond the walls of their marital domain. It is a public affair. When intimacy is limited to sexual contact, then the couple is extremely vulnerable to affairs and discontentment.
Intellectual intimacy
In marriage, spiritual, intellectual, emotional and physical intimacy should work harmoniously. How do you know when you are intellectually intimate? Psychologist Laura Dawn Lewis in the book "Eight Stages of Intimacy" shares some ways of knowing whether you are intellectually intimate. You and your partner have solid intellectual intimacy if you can answer yes to all of these situations:
o Both you and your partner know what each of you fears and both make an effort to keep each other from those situations and stimuli.
o Opinions, even those you don't agree on, can be stated, argued and acknowledged without fear of ridicule, abandonment or abuse. This is especially true for such heated issues as abortion, politics and sexuality about which you may strongly disagree.
o Without realizing it, you and your partner often mirror each other's actions, gestures and speaking style.
oYou know what your partner's life goals, hopes and dreams are.
Emotional intimacy
Many couples never make it to emotional intimacy because it is in emotional intimacy that you must accept the person for who he or she is without reservation, flaws or irrationality. At this level, you feel comfortable sharing yourself without fear of repercussions.
Dear husband and wife, are you truly an intimate couple? Are you one with your spouse? Do family members and friends see you as an intimate couple? If your answer is no to any or all of these questions, then you need to find ways to truly get intimate. If your intimacy is limited to just having sex, then your marriage is sick. Some may need to get professional counseling to find out what personal issues prevent total intimacy. Others may find help by reading a self-help book or attending a seminar.
Intimate practices
I have a few assignments for people who are in a relationship. Do these assignments within seven days from now.
o Set a time and place where you and your partner can walk holding hands uninterruptedly for at least 20 minutes. Walk on the beach, the mall, a long walkway, the neighborhood or a garden. It must be at least 20 minutes long while holding hands or hands around each other's waist
o Sit closely together at home while watching a wholesome movie for at least one hour. Make sure the movie is warm and fuzzy like "Sleepless in Seattle". Avoid falling asleep while watching the movie. Sit in a cuddling, very close position.
o Go to bed together or turn in for the night together at least three times this week. We know that couples that do not go to bed together may have a serious weak link in their relationship.
o Go to bed totally naked one night this week and do not have sex. Enjoy each other without sex on the agenda. If you do get aroused, you have to wait until the following night. Yah!
o Go on a date night this week. Do not go to the movies for this date. While on this date, do not talk about the problems in the relationship.
o If an infant sleeps in the bed between you, remove the child and take the child to his or her own room. Many couples are not aware what to do for eight hours in each other's presence without children around. The child becomes a roadblock to true intimacy. In these kinds of relationships couples mistakenly think of intimacy as only sex time.
o Every morning this week hug each other for 20 seconds when you first see each other standing on your feet. These hugs must be intense and close.
I would like to hear from you. Let me know how these assignments impacted your relationship this week. Email me at barringtonbrennen@gmail.com.
o Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, U.S.A. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com; or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas; or visit www.soencouragement.org; or call 242-327-1980, or 242-477-4002.

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