As I said last week, this is a tutorial for those of you out there who crave power.  Want to "serve" in the House of Assembly, blah blah blah.  Now, Bahamian politics is not for the idealistic.  Not unless you want to be someone's donkey and get ridden to death.  It's for the hungry, the ambitious, niggas who love dis pimpin'.  Let's go on:
 
Bonuses
'Tis the season to be promoted.  If you can't promote a dray load of people who may or may not deserve it then you better just go the lum' sum route.  Give everybody in the civil service a tiny raise and a one-time wad of cash (at least a grand if you really mean business).  Look, it's a "what have you done for me lately" world.
 
Motorcades
Yes, it may be beneath you to sit on top of a Lincoln Navigator, surrounded by thugs, rocking to songs that you have never heard before, but you have to roll with it.  Don't get too involved though; if you look too comfortable you will lose credibility (see last week's ESB).
The whole point of the motorcade is to show strength.  This serves two purposes.  It impresses people who like to be on the winning side and whose vote comes down to who they think has the most support.  Second, it should shake the confidence of your adversaries.
 
Poorman contest
Nobody likes people who have it all.  Well, not if they're black and live in The Bahamas.  So, the best way to get elected is to remind everybody just how impoverished a background you came from.  Did you sleep on the floor?  Did you wear flour bags?  Did you walk barefoot on your way to the All-Age School?  The people want to know that you deserve this opportunity to t'ief from taxpayers' dollars.  Never mind you live out west now, you come from a shack in the bush just like dem.
 
Concerts... I mean rallies
People are broke.  People are unemployed.  People are bored out of their minds.  Election time provides a themed party three or four times a week.  At this party you wear yellow.  At this party you wear red.  Once everybody's liquored up to where they can't really remember half of what you're about to say and the DJ has been rocking the joint, you then need to switch things into high gear.  A concert.  KB.  Ancient Man.  Geno D.  Whoever will accept.  And if you really want to make the herd lose it, bring in an international act.  Free concert.  Mudda sick, mudda sick, mudda sick!  Gatta vote for you.
 
Brains
Somebody has to come up with a plan and coordinate it all.  If you are powerful, you should not have to do your own thinking.  If you are doing your own thinking, you still have some distance to go before you are sitting on top of the heap.  When you are sitting squarely on the back of a really smart person, and you've dug your heels into his/her sides so that he/she feeds you all their ideas, analysis and vision, then you have truly arrived.  You is da HNIC.
 
Songs
Elections are really a festival in The Bahamas.  A festival needs topical songs.  Something to get the base hyped.  Something catchy that every Joe Blow can sing along with.  The people need T-shirts, pompoms, beer, fireworks and songs.  Just as the kids learn better with a song, so do the grownups.  Don't think about it too long, just head to the studio.
 
Foot soldiers
There are two kinds of foot soldiers.  The never held a job part-time ruffian-type foot soldier (you need to pay him to go out and rally his boys to vote) and the salt of the earth "I believe in the leader" type foot soldier who works till she drops down dead for the party, just because.  You don't need to do anything for her besides speak glowingly at her funeral.
 
Spies and double agents
To mount a successful campaign you need to be armed with the best possible information.  You need spies in the ministries who can dig up the dirt and send it your way.  And then you need double agents.  These are the slipperiest fellas around.  They become 'strategists' and 'advisors' or 'consultants' for your adversary, maybe even 'candidates' for his side, with no other intention than to be able to provide you with up-to-the-minute, accurate information on your enemy's plans and moves.
 
Propagandists
These are the people who say what you need said over and over again on the airwaves and in letters to the editor.  They call all the talk shows and sow the seed.  They tout the leader and castigate his adversaries.  But they are just humble people, holding no office, doing nothing more than sharing the views of the 'man on the street'.  Right.
 
Hacks
The difference between the hack and the propagandist is that the hack is given the honor of a weekly column in the paper or a regular radio show or at least a regular appearance on one.  He, in the most sophisticated and professional sounding manner possible, sucks the hip of his party and derides the enemy.  You need one of these characters working for you but you need to pay him well or reward him somehow.  He is a real opinion-shaper.
 
Bagman
This dude is indispensable to your rise to power.  He is the money man.  All roads lead to him and through him.  You don't ask; he don't tell.  You send him to collect and he collects.  He then dispenses. This makes him indispensable.  If you're party don't have a bagman, you either about to tote serious cut hip or you gone high class.
 
Leader
Every quest for power needs a leader.  A head salesman.  Someone to extol.  Someone who will get up and be the lightning rod.  The sycamore tree.  The Napoleon of your army.  The one who will pretend to have all the answers.  Choose carefully.  An Old Man River voice, a full head of hair, a law degree and very dark skin - these work best here.  But if you can't pull that off you can tweak it and still get by.  You don't have to be good looking either.  In fact, if you're too attractive it could be a distraction.  You want to convey strength of purpose, authority, not self-indulgence.  You must speak with conviction, even if you haven't any.  And most of all, you must be able to satisfy the moneyed and the penniless alike that somehow you have both their interests at heart.
Having mastered all these steps you will be well on your way to running our little limestone world.  Bonne chance.
 
o IAN STRACHAN is Associate Professor of English at The College of The Bahamas. You can write him at strachantalk@gmail.com.

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