During my 22 years as a marriage and family therapist, I've observed that for many there are two things more intimate than sex. These two things you might not think are intimate, but based on the behavior of individuals they are. These two things are money and dancing.
Here's how I came to this conclusion -- many spouses or partners can have the most erotic, passionate and explosive lovemaking, but they refuse to get close with their money. They can share all parts of their body, but their purse and wallets are out of bounds to their partners. Their bodies join together but not the money. Similarly, many couples can dance romantically together while holding each other in a pubic dance hall, banquet or ballroom, but they cannot hold each other that close while dancing at home when no one is watching. It seems as though it is easier to show off and pretend than to be real, hence, while at home, when no one is watching, they cannot pretend anymore. Dancing at home while no one is watching calls for real emotional intimacy and closeness. This cannot be faked. It has to be real. Showing off is easy, but there is no one to show off for at home, thus, there is no real motivation to hold each other so closely if the hearts are not truly bonded.
I am sure you see why I say that for many couples money and dancing are more intimate than sex. Healthy marriage involves the total participation of both partners in literally every aspect of his or her life -- physical, intellectual, emotional, financial, spiritual and social. It is a 100/100 percent relationship where both partners are giving, divulging, sharing, exposing, everything. It is not a 50/50 relationship.
I am amazed how so many couples do not operate as a financial unit. They do not have a common budget and they keep financial secrets. This is a disaster in relationships.
Several years ago I wrote: "A basic problem in many marriage relationships is that many couples have no idea of what it is to have a joint financial plan. Their financial plan is just agreeing on who will be responsible for which household bill. For example, in a typical Bahamian home, the couple will come to an agreement that the wife will buy the food and pay the telephone bill while the husband will pay the rent/mortgage, and the children's school fees. This is what they call working together. This type of financial planning has serious flaws for married couples. It is a recipe for disaster. If one bill is too high in a given month and is not paid by a spouse, an argument develops. The other spouse's response is usually like this: "I am not giving you any money to pay that bill, that's your responsibility." How could such an arrangement bring happiness and harmony in a home? It spells disaster. An even greater disaster is when one spouse alone controls the money, treating the other partner like a child by giving an allowance or spending money and refusing to include the partner in the decision-making process.
Psychologist Dr. David Olson in his book "Empowering Couples" states that, "Research shows that couples in which partners feel they have equal control over how money is spent are more satisfied with their relationships than couples in which one partner tends to control money matters. How does a couple gain control over and manage its money? The answer is in budgeting. Budgeting gives couples control over their money, rather than having their bills and spending control their lives."
I have observed that one reason many couples do not have a family budget is because they are too lazy. It is a lot of work to create and maintain a family budget, but its benefits are numerous and results in less stress.
For effective family financing couples must first accept that all household expenses are the full responsibility of both partners in the relationship. The couple must agree on what these expenses are. Generally, household expenses include food, all utilities, rent/mortgages, car gas, cooking gas, cable and Internet services, medical/dental/optical expenses, insurance, school fees, car repairs, home repairs, daycare, etc. When a man and woman agree to live together in holy matrimony they are in reality stating that they will take care of each other and be equally responsible for each other. This is whether or not both partners are working.
After agreeing that they are both responsible, the couple must now plan together. With paper and pen in hand, they will sit down and make up a budget that will include both incomes and all household expenses. The concept of a family budget is that household expenses will now be funded by the budget and not by a specific partner.
There are too many married partners who do not know how much their spouse is making. This is not partnership in marriage. Budgeting brings all the cards to the table. Couples must be honest and agree to share fully all assets and liabilities because they are really total, equal partners. Too many wives are not aware of what their husbands are actually making. Since a husband is paying all of the bills, the wife seems to feel she is taken care of and she is safe, but it is a false sense of security that can vanish during difficult times. Many wives are taught not to let their husbands know what their incomes are. Some feel threatened if they "expose" their financial assets to their spouses. The truth is that this practice of secrecy and of individual financial independence in marriage is not healthy, and certainly does not represent partnership in marriage.
The above principles are given to encourage couples to participate in the relationship as a team, rather than two separate individuals who focus mostly on what's best for themselves. Research tells us that couples who pool their finances are somewhat less likely to break up. Too many couples argue about my money and your money. Budgeting helps eliminate the pervasive sense of mine versus yours.
Marital expert Dr. Howard Markman states in his book "Fighting for Your Marriage", that attitude can fuel conflict and competition, since when there's no clear sense of being part of a team, deeper issues such as caring, recognition and control are easily triggered. We aren't suggesting that you merge your identity with that of your partner's. Rather, we are saying that it is healthy to have a clear sense of yourselves as two individuals coming together to form a team and that the team's goals are important. What a difference this will make in how you view life.
o Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.
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