Motherhood is one of the most treasured experiences on the planet. Many women will bear children, but not everyone will manage to have that special bond that can only exist between a mother and her child.
Stepping into parenthood is not something a woman should take lightly, and being able to establish a healthy relationship with a child is not always the easiest thing. Many mothers raise their young children with the best intentions, but the love they may have shared in the early part of their relationship can sometimes be strained, or even completely lost over time. The main cause of many poor relationships between mother and child is often the parent's inability to transition into the person their child needs at the various stages of their life that includes mother and youngster, mother and teen, and mother and adult, according to family and relationship counselor, Camille Bullard.
Mother and youngster
When a child is first born until he is a pre-teen the mother is supposed to be the child's guardian, protector and guide. While it is important to be as loving and understanding as possible during these early years, the relationship counselor said a clearly defined line between oneself and the child is essential. And that setting boundaries for the child at this point will allow him or her to firmly trust in you and understand without a doubt the way things are meant to be. Allowing there to be a gray area at this stage should not happen because the child will keep pushing the boundaries and, upon seeing that there aren't any, will result in having a healthy and respectful relationship between mother and child more difficult.
"One cannot just decide to be fun and carefree one day and no-nonsense the next. Consistency from early in the child's life is essential because it will establish the foundation for the future relationship a mother will have with her child," said Bullard. "This means that whether it is your son or daughter, as a mother you have to be a firm, yet loving authoritarian. This is a hard thing to balance as you don't want your child to fear you, but you also don't want to instinctively give in to their demands particularly when they are young. But the saying goes that you must bend the tree while it's young ... and it couldn't be more true, especially when it comes to raising children today."
Having a double standard can also plant the seed to ruin relationships between a mother and her children. She said, often times a mother can be strict with their daughters but leave their sons to their own devices. They don't ensure that what works for one child goes for the other, and that this can leave a lasting impact later on in a child's life, particularly in how they regard the mother.
"All relationships should be based on trust, understanding, honesty and equality. Which means that although your child might be young, you should always treat the relationship professionally. You shouldn't favor one child over the other even if you love one a bit more. It can cause unnecessary discord that can last well into adulthood. If you allow your sons to go about on their own, you are putting them at a disadvantage because they are still immature, and girls can resent you for not trusting them enough to do simple things they feel ready for."
The therapist said it is also important to not pretend to love your children too much to discipline them. She said there has to be some repercussions for good and bad behavior. If a child does well, she encourages mothers to praise them, and to feel free to give hugs, kisses and show love, because even if the child is two or three, she said it would stay in their subconscious that they are loved and doing well is rewarded.
She also said when children perform poorly that should also be highlighted so children know not to do it again. She said it does not mean that parents need to be harsh with them or quick tempered, but rather patient and provide the consistency children need to understand how to do a new task effortlessly.
"A mother can damage her relationship with her child by being harsh with him too often. The child learns early to be afraid of her, to lie to her to cover up failures or wrongdoings, to do whatever they can to not be around her because she is not a warm or inviting person," said the relationship counselor. "Even when you are angry as a mother it is essential to be gentle and firm with the child. Find a way to establish that you are upset and disappointed, be it through punishment or talking to the child at length about what he did. But do not curse or row the child endlessly. This stunts the growth of the relationship."
Although parents want children to be obedient at an early age, it is just as important for them to allow a child to learn to express themselves healthily when angry, sad or happy. This will allow the child to learn to be open later in life about how they feel and how to deal with negative feelings constructively.
"The most important thing for mothers to do is to always let their child know they are loved. Youngsters will not always understand or appreciate fully when they are shown love. They may know they are loved but hearing it is just as important. If they know they have someone who loves them at home they are less likely to search for affection and love outside of the home." she said.
Mother and teen
The next stage of motherhood comes during the child's teenage years and they become more independent and opinionated. According to Bullard, at this point, a mother is no longer meant to be the strict authoritarian. She is instead supposed to be more of a guide.
"This is not to say to let children do what they want to. Rather as a teenager, a child has their own ideas and wants to explore in their own way; you are there to guide them as they venture out. You have to be that force that tells them no or go. You can't treat them the same way as you did when they were children, but you still have to be firm with them. They will want to go to parties or out to different places, so you have to be there to teach them what makes a good choice from a bad one. You are there to teach them how to form their own ideas and even suffer the consequences at times."
As children get deeper into adolescence, the counselor said mothers need to start getting out of their child's way. She encouraged mothers to allow their children to be individuals, while still being strict so they don't lose their way. She said holding tightly onto their child at this stage compared to when they were children will only frustrate the child and cause resentment towards a mother.
"This stage of your child's upbringing is about lessons and letting them taste life on their own at times. Still keep a rein on them but this is the time they want to prove themselves and as a parent you should let them," said Bullard. "Trusting them to go to a party alone and behave in the way they were brought up is a risk, but as a parent you have to let them go at some point. Not trusting them can cause them to stay dependent on you for longer than necessary and for some it can become a bone of contention that they will not let go of even later in life."
During their teen years is also a good time to teach teens about delayed gratification, according to the counselor. With children she said mothers may get away with saying say no or yes to a request without explanation, but with a teen she said it is important to them involved in decision making.
"Sometimes it is necessary to let the child know that honestly the family is unable to cover the cost of an outing or trip they may want to go on. This may result in the child understanding and accepting the decision, suggesting ways to earn the money to be able to go or some will take longer to fully grasp the concept. Being honest with the child and giving him a glimpse of how he is able to live in comfort is a conversation a mother should have with her child. Using this stage in the relationship to reveal the realities of life is a good idea," said Bullard. "You can't let them assume money grows on trees and everything in life is free. You want to be open with them so they can be open with you."
She encouraged mothers to talk to their children about sex, money management, how they lived as a child and what they like and don't like. She said parents aren't being a friend to their children yet, but are showing them that they are human and that they understand. At the same time, she said, they are preparing their children for the real world.
"If you don't use this time wisely, when they are ready to leave home they will not be as ready as they should be," she said.
Mother and adult
Adulthood -- the stage of a mother's relationship with her child that lasts the longest, and at which point a mother can finally be her child's friend. It is during this time that mothers are supposed to let go and see their children soar. At this stage a mother's duty is not to be an interloper, but a guide only when asked, even though for mothers it is natural to want to continue to give advice, and push the child. But according to Bullard, this is no longer a mother's job. The counselor says that hopefully by this stage a child should have the right level of responsibility and stickability to leave home and make it on their own.
"You have given the child a minimum of 18 years of strictness and advice. It is up to them to do what they want to do. You can only suggest what may be best, but at this stage your advice is rarely wanted. Children will go through a stage in their adulthood when they will want to do things on their own completely and you should let them unless they are totally going in the wrong direction. Only then do you step in and try to make suggestions, but do not push. Your role now is to advise, guide and console."
The counselor said the best way for mothers to transition into this last phase is by seeing themselves as gardeners who have planted seeds, watered them, fertilized them, deweeded them and put posts in the ground to influence their upward growth. She said after all is said and done, at a certain point it is essential to just step back and let nature take its course.
"As a gardener one only looks back at the young tree as its roots deepen, but the time for constant care is over. Only in great drought or danger will the gardener water the now grown tree. But otherwise it is up to the tree to find ways to keep itself standing tall. This is the same way with children who are grown. Mothers should step back and not intervene unless asked. And at this stage, if there are any bad feelings between mother and child it should be resolved. You both are adults and can try to understand each other more profoundly," said Bullard. "It's not about exerting authority, but about making repairs to a relationship that could never be repaired before. Being able to say sorry is something you won't feel bad about anymore because you can finally have another kind of relationship with your child. At this point it is still important to say 'I am here for you if you need help.' Still praise them for wanting to move and launch out on their own. Be an open ear and shoulder for them. You are now an advisor."
If families are still struggling to repair their relationship despite individual efforts, getting professional counselling be it from a minister or a counselor may be necessary, according to Bullard.
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