When it comes to punishing their children, far too many parents act before they think. Many parents do not think carefully when they perceive their children are rebelling. They have been conditioned to act like communist dictators to all perceived disobedient behaviors. I use the word "perceived" because most times, if the parents ignore the child's tone of voice or mannerism and seek to understand what the child is saying, they would discover that the child is not rebelling but willing to cooperate. Too many parents forget that children are human beings also with feelings, emotions and intelligence. Parents who often respond to their children's perceived defiant behavior negatively are creating rebellious children. They are not teaching children to think for themselves.
Several years ago, I shared with you that the three most important responsibilities in parenting are all about thinking. They are:
1. To teach their children to think critically. Parents want their children to think from cause to effect and be able to analyze and synthesize. This is done by asking questions, listening and allowing the children to have an opinion.
2. To teach their children to think independently. This is done by respecting their children's views (not necessarily agreeing with them), avoiding too much television and other electronic devices, asking for their opinions, etc.
3. To provide an environment for original thought. Far too many children do not have the ability to be creative and spontaneous in their thinking. Too much television and lack of interest in reading has crippled their minds and robbed them of creating their own ideas. Often, they would regurgitate what they have seen on television.
Parents, if you think your first responsibilities are to make sure your child does not do stupid things and to drive our stubbornness, you are making a big mistake. I have often shared that "in a nutshell, responsible parenting provides children the freedom to choose, think and act on your own". Parents can accomplish this successfully if they are willing to listen to their children. Psychologist, Dr. Myrna B. Shure says in her book "Thinking Parent, Thinking Child" that "just as you want your child to listen to you, you'll find yourself asking, 'Am I really listening to him?'" She says you want your child to have "the tools to become less aggressive, inhibited and fearful, and more cooperative, empathic and better able to handle life's frustrations and disappointments."
Avoid coming to conclusions
When a parent asks a child to "take a bath and get ready for church" and the child responds by say "I don't want to go", what is the parent hearing from the child? Is it disrespect, defiance or cooperation? Many parents immediately think that the child is being defiant and disobedient. Many parents negatively interpret the children's "aggressive" behavior or language. Many times the child is simply stating an opinion the best way he or she can. Thus, a non-thinking parent responds verbally violent by saying "get your dirty skin in the tub before I hit your head in the wall". The parent has forgotten that just the position of being a parent is, in itself authority, and thus should be able respond calmly with understanding and respect. If the parent perceives defiance, the parent will respond violently. If the parent respects the child's right to have an opinion and thus asks appropriate questions, the parent will quickly learn that the child is willing to do whatever he/she says.
When a parent responds negatively to perceived defiance of the child, the child will "fight back". As the child gets older and stronger, the parent will lose the fight, respect and authority.
Critical thinking at home
In the 2006 article written by psychologist Elizabeth Shauness entitled "Enhancing critical thinking skills in children: Tips for parents" it is suggested that "parents should foster critical thinking at home. Ask questions that lack a single correct answer, and ask them casually, rather than quizzing your child."

Here is an example the author gives: "If your child is a chess aficionado and likes to play it on a chessboard or a computer, you may want to make the following inquiries: Why do you think you are more successful in face-to-face chess matches than in electronic chess games? (Analysis). If you could develop a new format for chess that would appeal to those who haven't yet discovered its allure, what would it look like? Why would you pick those design features? How would they intrigue novices? (Synthesis)"
As a parent with now two adult children and three grandchildren, I've made it my practice to avoid just giving instructions to my children to do something. I know that since I am older and wiser, I can assume they are to simply obey. However, I discovered early in my parenting that, that was not wise. I would always have a follow-up question like "Do you know why I am asking you do that?" I would let them share their understanding and I would patiently explain the rationale for my request. This fosters critical thinking.
If a parent asks a child to turn off the television and does not following through with the request, the parent would be losing a teaching moment. If a parent gives a request, the parent is to stand by and make sure the request is done. For example, when the parent asks for the child to turn on the television, the parent must know that asking the child to do it is a learning experience and an opportunity to teach critical and independent thinking. It is not for the connivance of the parent since he or she is too busy. After the request is given, the parent is to stand by and make sure the request it done immediately. Then the parent can ask, "Do you know why I asked you to turn on the television?" If the parent cannot give a good answer, then they should not ask the question. The parent can share that "I do not want you to watch more than 30 minutes each time because it is not good for your brain." Or "It is important that you get to bed early so you can be strong and vibrant for tomorrow. Sleeping all night allows the body to properly restore itself each night. That makes you strong in the morning."
Dr. Shauness states that "parents can demonstrate critical thinking by pondering aloud the most efficient way to do household chores, considering the most economical purchase to make at the grocery store, monitoring your progress toward your personal goals or approaching social issues in your community. Describing how you think and solve problems is the best way for you to instill similar thinking patterns in your children."
Parents, start thinking so your children can also think. I am confident that if parents would teach their children to think critically and avoid negative interpretations, we would have better children in our society. Violence would decrease. Productivity will increase. Our nation would be healthier.
o Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, U.S.A. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com; or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas; or visit www.soencouragement.org; or call (242) 327-1980, or (242) 477-4002.

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