Seven years into the marriage she thought would last a lifetime, Jane Doe's (name changed) husband delivered the first blow. From what she remembers, prior to that first incident of spousal abuse, he had flown into a jealous rage. Like most women, she did not leave -- at least -- not for 26 years because they had a child. During the marriage that lasted more than two decades, she says she suffered abuse that ranged from verbal to physical.
She has sported black eyes, had her lips split and been beaten black and blue and called everything from slut to whore. He hit her so hard one time her jaw locked. Laughing at the memory, she said she had to because if she didn't she would cry.
"Looking back at it, you only could laugh. Back then it was serious, but now..."
As she went about in public she hid behind big, dark shades and slathered on the makeup. She had to hide the bruises
"I disguised myself," said the 40-something Jane Doe who describes herself as an actor, as she appeared in the public year-after-year by her husband's side, with bruises she kept hidden to protect his reputation.
"I was the lowest paid movie star there was. I couldn't let the public know what was happening because you lose their respect in some instances; so I had to keep it all in for many years. You see people walking around here with a smile on their face, and in some cases, they're holding and carrying a lot of scars. The airport doesn't have anything on them with luggage. You just tote it around, and you can't say anything."
The Does were divorced in March 2011, after separating in August 2009. Jane Doe worked up the courage to leave after she had finally endured one too many beatings.
The "straw that broke the camel's back" she says was the last time he hit her, when her husband made the beatings she'd endured in private public.
"What made it really bad was that it was done outside the home and he took all my good stuff...all of my good clothing and threw them outside into the front yard. That did it for me. Plus the fact that our daughter had left home and gotten married...I said it was time to go."
With their daughter grown and out of the house, the public debacle cemented for her that she needed to leave before she ended up dead. The one thing she did not want to become is a murder statistic.
The Bahamas Crisis Centre provides services to people who are victims of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. It aims to promote the safety and healing of survivors and their families According to the center's website, millions of women are physically, sexually or emotionally abused every year by someone they know and love -- their husband or partner. And that it happens to women of all ages, races, religions and income levels.
Information on the site says domestic violence includes hitting, slapping, pushing, cursing, hurting, threatening, denying freedom and withholding money.
"A beating is never a good feeling. It was more or less a shock when it first happened...It was devastating."
After the initial beating she said he did not hit her again for a few months. But after the second beating, she said he beat her at least once a month over the years.
Even though she knew it wasn't right, she said she stayed.
In an effort to appease her husband, so that he did not abuse her, Jane Doe said she threw herself into his activities to try to please him. She stood by his side at press conferences and appearances to promote their initiative that involved mentoring children.
"I tried not to tick him off."
But she said he got jealous if she went to church and accused her of sleeping with church members. If she left home and stayed out too long, she said he would call her cell phone and tell her to come home.
"He always wanted me in his sights because he thought I was talking to somebody or somebody was trying to get to me. And if he saw me doing something for somebody, or planning an event or something, and it wasn't his event, that's another thing. And that's when it really starts and the blows would start. I was supposed to do whatever he wanted and not have a life of my own."
The couple's daughter witnessed the abuse in some instances. During those times when she didn't physically witness her father beating her mother, Jane Doe said the daughter would see the bruises from the beatings.
"My daughter would come in and see him beating me and she would cry out and say 'stop hitting mommy', but by then the rage would have taken him over. When my daughter was younger, I tried to find things to take her mind off what she saw because they tend to forget...I mean they don't forget, but if you keep their minds occupied with other things...I tried to flip the script more or less so they would forget about it. I made excuses. But as she grew older, she knew it wasn't what mommy was saying. After she went off to college, it was a little better because she wasn't there to witness the beatings."
The product of a two-parent home, Jane Doe said she stayed for as long as she did because she wanted the same upbringing for her daughter that she had.
"I knew what it was to have parents who cared for me. I wanted the same for my child. And I took my marriage vows seriously and wanted it to last. I wanted us to grow old together in the same home and become grandparents."
Notwithstanding what she had to endure, she said her husband was a good father.
"He was an excellent father and an excellent husband to a degree, but a lot of people can't handle fame. They can't handle reaching the top."
When she looks back at her marriage to the popular member of society, she said there may have been a whole lot of bad, but there was some good.
Now that she's out of the abusive relationship, looking back, she said she would have left earlier.
Her advice to other women facing similar situations of abuse is to do what she did and get out. She said women have to know who they are and what they want. And while it took her many years to make the break, Jane Doe said she did it and many women aren't as lucky as she is. She said the first beating is always a sign and that if it happens once, it will happen again.
"If they do it once, they will do it a second time. If it happens once, nip it in the bud because you never know...one of these times may be fatal. And that was my thought on the very last time it happened to me -- it was that I might not wake up, so I wanted to get out while the getting out's good."
Because of the high profile image she and her spouse had, she said she had no one to confide in, and he didn't want her to have friends.
"When you're in the spotlight you can't say much because people tend not to believe you and then because of the kind of character he displayed on the outside, no one would have believed it."
She said she tried to confide in two people who did not believe her because of who her husband is.
She said she also visited the police on countless occasions to make complaints, but said nothing happened to her husband because of the status he enjoys in society.
"Not until I actually went there [police station] one day and sat there that some good Samaritan stepped in and helped. People protect who they want, especially the 'high-falutin' superstars' as I call them."
And she preferred not to involve her family members in her marriage because they too held her husband in high esteem. She also did not believe in airing her family's business outside the walls of their home.
"When you go to that altar you say for better or for worse, and you don't want anyone taking sides, and my family would definitely take my side. I never wanted anyone involved. If there's an argument we dealt with it."
She said she has never really spoken in-depth with her daughter about the abuse -- not even after she became an adult and was married herself.
"She's found someone, and [abuse] is definitely a no-no. She is happy in her life and I don't want to overshadow it with my dark clouds."
But if her daughter is ever the victim of spousal abuse, Jane Doe said she would want her to come to her, even though she didn't go to her own family.
"I would definitely want her to come and say what is what. Depending on the nature of it, I may step in, as well as I may just coach from the back, but I definitely don't want anyone to go through that because I don't think a relationship is supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be something where both of you shouldn't have to govern what you say to each other and [have to watch] what you say. It should always be an open something. It should always be something fun where you can crack a joke with each other and be able to laugh and have a good time, rather than always being scared that something you say could trigger a beating. Sometimes I would see guys and say 'boy they fit hey', or 'they in good shape', and I would get it all right. But he could comment on how a female looks."
They're officially divorced, but Jane Doe said her ex-husband still calls and says nasty things to her and she sees him constantly driving past her home.
She said she actually got the courage to leave as a result of being a member of a service organization. She was a part of the organization for more than a decade, but was only able to travel with the organization to an international convention for the first time in May 2011.
Jane Doe said she's now living her life, happy that she's not a part of the murder statistics.
Her advice to women being abused is to get out.
"The first beating is always a sign that they will always come back and do it again. If they do it once they will do it a second time. If it happens once, nip it in the bud because you never know. One of these times it may be fatal, and that was my thought on it. The very last time, I said I might not wake up. So get out while the getting out's good, and have someone you can confide in, which I didn't have, which I've learned from."
When leaving an abusive relationship, the crisis center advises that the abused call the center at 328-0922 for help, as counselors can assist with a safety plan. When you have decided to leave, the crisis center advises that you pack a bag and leave it with a friend or neighbor, and to make sure that you pack extra clothes. If you have children, pack their favorite toys. Keep an extra set of house and car keys outside of the house in case you have to leave in a hurry.
Important documents that you should take with you include birth certificates, any medication and health insurance papers, check and/or savings books, passports, pay slips and any court papers.

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